“Mamma, can we dig the school out with a JCB?”
“No! That is a no-go!”
“Mamma, what are you thinking?”
And that is not the truth.
I need to check her almanac and get him that glue stick.
I forgot to tell P about the 30 second teaser!
My head is making a list of things to do. Constantly. At any point, if 10 things are ticked done, about 35 get added!
Should I put the clothes out to dry now or in the morning?
I think the office kitchen needs a car wash style clean up!
Will it rain?
It is exhausting, this mental math. It is not because I work too much or I am sleep deprived..
Oh! I forgot to soak the almonds for the morning!
How can I break this boring routine the interns have?
It runs deeper… Much deeper.
Do all mothers go through this?
I spend roughly about 15 to 17 hours focusing on multiple things, and on three different human beings – 47, 7, 4 years of age – who have extremely diverse requirements. Two of these three have severe verbal diarrhea from sunrise to sunset and they constanstly want and watch me.
Tell me I am not alone here.
It is a miracle that I get time to exercise in the morning, given I have to shuffle home, kitchen, studies, fights, games, tantrums, moral values, threats, life lessons AND work.
Does it matter if I have to peel myself out of bed at 4:30 a.m. to get to the park by 5 a.m.?
It is very tiring.
Physically, mentally, emotionally.
Do not judge. Hear me.
These three humans are my world. I have to give them my 100%.
Just that some days, I do not have 100% to give.
Some days the 15 JCBs sitting in the play area haunt me. Some days I get upset over 6×4 equalling 24 and not 30 like she wants. I’ve once got mad at Jack and Jill and Harry Porter too!
A few weeks ago, I caught myself staring at my own picture from 14 years ago, now set as my desktop image. I caught myself thinking – When was the last time I smiled this hearty toothful smile?
When was the last time I had this ME TIME?
Netflix has thing category option called SLOW BURN. A very apt term for this situation, but a terrible programming line up.
Anyway. School has started. The children are tucked into bed by 8. I’m done with everything by 9:30. Yet, I can’t sleep. There are days when I pass out at 8 p.m. with the two! So one night, out of sheer boredom, I switched on the television, and plugged in the Fire Stick… And I stepped into a magical world – beyond Peppa Pig, Free Rein, We Bare Bears, Misha Masha, Sugar Rush, Monkey King, Decendents 1 or 2 or 3… You get my point!
I could cede the precious alone time to sleeping early, give the body rest, but hell, NO!!!!!
I WANT TO WASTE IT!!!! AND HOW!!!!
I want these hours to read, sort the house, cook, write, bake, play candy crush, watch 60 second cooking videos on social media, have a drink and also hog on mindless television I would otherwise never get time for! Right now, I don’t have to share anything. Not my lap, not my snack, not the television, not my personal space.
No one is watching me, I can hear the rain fall on the glass above or watch the moon inch across the sky.
No chaos, no work, no noise. No husband. No children.
Just me and my thoughts.
Of couse I will be sleep deprived and tired again tomorrow. But then this is all a part of the Litmus Test of Motherhood. And I do not think the maternal instinct lets you fail anyway.
There will come a day when this will all change…
One day I will be able to look at pink in the eye.
One day I will have a noise free afternoon.
One day there will be no one hanging from the door when I go to pee.
One day no toy will be broken.
One day there will be just one bucket of laundry.
One day I will not feel guilty of eating a leftover chocolate.
One day there will be a lot of time to sleep.
That day these tiny macaques of mine would become adults and go into their own worlds.
Right now, I am just recharging myself on ‘Me Time’ to give my 100% to this home and my work tomorrow.